I was reading some past entries of my old online journal. The moments where I was so HIGH! It all happened in year 2004. Many things happened in this year. I've learned so many things about this thing we call Life. All I can say about it is that 2004 was probably the best year of my life. I'm not going to tell everything, some things are just too personal that not even my bestest friends dont know about; but I'll feature my sports life. Probably when I get old I might want to remember how it feels like to be young again. Most probably, I might want to remember how silly and funny I was when it comes to my quest to Olympics :)):)):)) So I am making a record to make sure. :)) Here are 3 of the major text I wrote during that time. LOL, it's really funny reading them again. Yes, dreaming is fun :) Silly, but it makes me smile. Really something to tell. I usually don't write about the details, I'm more into whats happening in my mind. So, take a peek. ;) Enter my world.
This first one was written somewhere in September 2004, just after the Greece Olympics. I couldnt remember exactly what happened but I knew for sure I had the Olympic spirit with me that time... damn. To think, I was really serious! *dies of embarrassment*
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Part I : I Have a Dream
To wake up in the morning and do the same thing all over again, I don’t want that kind of life. Life is too short but so many things to do. But why don’t I just eliminate the much and focus on one thing? That’s what I am doing now that I have found what I want. I have always believed that I can be who what I wanted to be if I would just will it. If they can do it, why can I not? So what if they started training when they were still small? Did they already have the strong conviction and the power of spirit during that age? Did they already know what they wanted to be in the future when they started the first steps of training? I don’t think so. A six year old won’t just go seriously to the Sport Commission Office and ask to the officer in charge what it takes to be in the Olympics… like what I did! Talent would make up for the lost experience.
To be in the Olympics, it’s not just a dream, it’s a decision. Not just any kind of decision, but a life-long decision. It can change your life forever. It’s a goal. What you do, no matter how big or small, you do it for the attainment of it. If you already know what you have always wanted, you don’t drift anymore.Then you follow the road towards it; making dream a reality. You are now in control of your destiny and that your life is forever changed. It’s different this time, when your goal is finally finalized; you know where you are going. And if you are strong enough, you can overcome each obstacle along the way. And the nearer you approach your goal, obstacles become bigger and bigger. That’s natural.
Now I fully understood the metaphor, “Life is a game.” But unlike a game, when the game is over, we don’t start again right from the very beginning. We move on -but a much better person than we were before. So there is really nothing to lose, but everything to gain. You may miss something, but oh well, life goes on. :P
~September 2004
____In this next text, I was so down in this time. My beloved parents just told me to stop my track & field coz of the expenses and also I always arrived home late. They're afraid something bad might happen to me on the way... and so was I. I wrote this coz I couldnt sleep and I had to give myself some boosting and lift my spirits up. Hehehe, omg, I'm so funny!! =))
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Part II: Go the Distance
You know what, my ultimate dream is to be in the Olympics. Well... in a 3rd world, and so out of luck.. Yeah, it is so downright STUPID, so TIME-WASTING, so IMPRACTICAL, so UNIMAGINABLE, and so IMPOSSIBLE. Of all things!!! Of all things to be dreamed of!! Why this one!! Am I cursed or what? Nah, maybe just plain insane. Something's wrong with me. Sometimes I feel confused, frustrated, and denied. Sometimes I don't know what to do and most of the time I dont understand myself.I feel so down. I feel enslaved by my own thoughts. I dont want to think the same things all over and over again.Maybe I'm just pretending to be something that I am not...? But why then it feels so right? Maybe I'm just delusional, dont you think? Living a world of lies and make-believe. And that, I am not sure of myself anymore...
But damn... damn all these thoughts! DAMN IT ALL! They'r just thoughts, anyway! I dont want to be a loser for not trying. I'd rather be labeled stupid for even trying, coz I would still feel stupid for not trying anyhow. More stupid if I just dream! I have to wake up and make it a reality. I think it is better this way. It may be hard, but this is it... I have the chance to prove to the whole world that even the most impossible of dreams (given my damnable situation) can come true. All I have to do is to hang on to that dream! Yes, I am aware that it's easy to some people to be there, ok?! Some dont even have to dream it! They have the opportunities... well, I dont have that... I only have what it takes to be there.
But damn... damn all these thoughts! DAMN IT ALL! They'r just thoughts, anyway! I dont want to be a loser for not trying. I'd rather be labeled stupid for even trying, coz I would still feel stupid for not trying anyhow. More stupid if I just dream! I have to wake up and make it a reality. I think it is better this way. It may be hard, but this is it... I have the chance to prove to the whole world that even the most impossible of dreams (given my damnable situation) can come true. All I have to do is to hang on to that dream! Yes, I am aware that it's easy to some people to be there, ok?! Some dont even have to dream it! They have the opportunities... well, I dont have that... I only have what it takes to be there.
~November 2004
____LOOOOL, i think I was REALLY high on painkillers at that time.... Read this next one, this was written a few weeks later... This time I had to accept the harsh reality, but I didnt want it to be so harsh.
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Part III: The Conclusion
You know, I've been thinking. I find it stupid and downright impractical if I would go further with this Olympic thing. It's useless. Anyway, I don’t care anymore. It's just for self-satisfaction. Just something to prove on something. Well, I kinda realized there's more to life than that. My friend Adelle would probably roll her eyes on me if she knew.
I love sports with a passion. Doesn’t matter what sport... I just want to play...or anything that involves psychomotor. I don’t know how it is but I am happy when I play. I think it's not because of the endorphins or whatever neurotransmitters or hormones that are released, I think it's just because for the sheer enjoyment. Self-satisfaction perhaps? I dunno. I just knew I wanted more. Maybe Olympics was my answer, but LOL.
In my 4th year, I was into basketball. My friend Amarantha and I tried out for the basketball varsity. Though we didn’t know how to play basketball, we still tried out for varsity with the help of our dear friend Adelle. Well, we didn’t try out and make fools out of ourselves for nothing, so of course, we did practice well. And we were good. Though we didn’t make it due to some certain circumstances, we never regretted it and just charged it to experience. After all, we had fun :). There may be bad, worst and some good times, but overall, the experience was great.
People may wonder why we didn’t continue practicing basketball. Well, it's because I really didn’t enjoy it that much. My heart just wasn’t to basketball though I could dedicate my life to it. Confusing, isn’t it? I think I just did basketball just for the sake of playing. Just 2 months ago I quit Flag football still for the same reason! I knew I had potential in that sport, (well, when was it that I didn’t have? :P) I just don’t have much fun playing flag football that much. I did enjoy, I admit. It just doesn’t satisfy me...or it's not just it. To be honest, it was BORRIIIING!!
I play to enjoy--to have fun! It’s not because I wanted to be the best and would realize that I am not good at it? No, it's not it. I've been good to every sport I played. And I could be best at it if wanted to. Sadly though, even if I wanted to, I couldn’t... *smiles faintly*...it depends. I'm just talented and without money. Well, that's life. Well, I am through thinking that. I'm stopping.
I am not a quitter. Others may view that I am coz I’ve been involved to a 'lot' of sports and never did I settle. Well, actually, it's because of my stupid pride. You know, I dont quit. I never did. I never get discouraged or anything. And I'm not choosy or something. Sports for me, well, if I were a man, it's like women. I just have to find the perfect one and in order to find the ONE I have to taste it all!!!!! LOL, kidding. Actually, it's the fun, the joy, the love of the game that makes it perfect :) It's not also because of whom you are playing with.
Don’t get me wrong when I say fun, it's not just senseless fun that need not to be taken seriously, and that it's okay to lose? No, I don’t accept defeat just like that. In a game, the challenge is the thing that I love most, not the prize to be given or the title that is to be awarded. When I am able to give my best, to play the game as if it is my last, there is no prize greater than the satisfaction that is felt. And that what makes me happy. That’s the only thing I am sure of why I love to play. You know, to play to the point that you now think you ought to be the one giving the prize? aaahhhh... the next best thing to being in love :D
Well, one thing to shut me up with these ramblings, I just want to be best at some sport. I was never been best at something. Or how else could I play the game of my life? I know I can be, but how? I never actually had the opportunity; I just grab chances whenever I can. That’s why I was able to play tennis and soccer baseball. I guess I'm just quite unlucky. Poor me, there must be a way. Nah, not necessarily be the best. Not really... I can live not being best. Yeah, I can, of course. But damn, i want to be best! To be the very best that no ever was. :D
~December 2004
____Whew! I'm kind of glad of the "ending". Whew, no more olympics. Thank goodness I've gotten over it. Well, I'm sure that there is one thing I would never learn, to stop dreaming :)). I can be quite so confusing, no? Anyway, I'm still a teenager! I have the right to act like one :P And I'm enjoying it. The best part of being young and clueless. Yes, Life is beautiful! :)
